It is the last week of July 2010. The job search has begun and boy do I feel lost. Torn between health and food, Salt Lake City or beyond and really afraid to take this next step. I want too, I want back our routine and a home and our own things but at the same time, I want to already be established. I get butterflies just thinking about starting a new job. I feel lost, conflicted and pretty damn unproductive right now.
I have been consumed with planning the wedding when really I should be planning my life. I guess I am struggling with what my strengths are, whether I need more schooling, where I want to live, whether I want to start my own business now or wait a couple of years. Overall lots of emotion and conflict and no resolution.
How can I come off of six weeks of adventure and feel so down about life? I guess life isn't supposed to be easy but is it supposed to be this difficult to decide what you want to do with your life? I know I can always change but I don't want to feel like I am wasting my life away. I'd like to be cooking more as I feel that would lift my spirits but we really don't have the money to be cooking right now. The sense of urgency is helpful in some ways and hurtful in others because I feel like I have to find something NOW! I haven't even turned in my resume to one employer-what a schmuck I am.
Will it ever get better? I don't want this to be a pity post, I need some intervention or some light at the end of the tunnel. Right now all I see is gray.
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